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Thursday, June 2, 2011

If only...

Many times, I find myself wondering, "What the hell is wrong with you???" Like just now, when I picked up an errant chocolate chip from the kitchen floor, diligently following the internationally renowned and fully vetted "5 second rule," and put it in my mouth. No attempt to blow it off, no glance over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching, no second thought that this might be a bad idea. Needless to say, I mostly swallowed the dust bunny well before my brain could tell my tongue to just sacrifice the damn chocolate chip (there were at least 20 lint-free ones waiting for me in my ice cream!) and spit it out...Or last week, when I made myself a wonderful steaming much anticipated fresh cup of coffee, only to then realize that I never actually put grinds in the coffee filter. Ugh!

Anyway, this post was supposed to be about something else. So here goes... If I was richer, smarter, and/or more focused, here are some of the things I'd invent (in no particular order):
     1. Systemic Sunscreen: Like a pill you can take or a vaccine so you never have to apply greasy grimy sunblock ever again, but can rest assured that you will not get skin cancer, age spots, wrinkles, or sunburned. Okay, maybe it wouldn't prevent wrinkles, but 3 out of 4 isn't bad.
     2. Strapless and racing back nursing bras: Why can't lactating women have fun, too? Seriously - the strapless one would take some creative engineering, but I think it can be done. To wear my bridesmaids dress in a couple of weeks - I have two options: either wear a traditional strapless bra and likely subject myself and anyone unfortunate enough to witness it to awkward Houdini-like moves, full frontal nudity, and a screaming and very impatient baby; or to let the girls go free. That might be fine and dandy when you're the perfect size, but when you're on the small side like me, the girls need all the help they can get. If you've read the previous post, you'll understand my need for padding and underwire...
     3. Flavored glue strips on envelopes: Of course there would be a price differential for lower end flavors like vanilla and cotton candy versus more exquisite ones like dark chocolate and pomegranate, but I believe in safety for all and I would never promote the cutting of costs by using toxic flavoring additives. I'm still mad at George for that one - his poor fiance!!!
     4. Craft supply consigment shops: Forget stained clothes, outdated and recalled baby gear, and brown and orange colored couches that smell suspiciously like cat piss and throw up. Craft supplies are where it's at! I have attempted so many crafts and art projects, only to spend many dollars and hours before realizing that it's just not my thing. I can't return opened packs of beads, partially used jars of paint, eyelet placers that I don't really even understand why I'd think I would need, or 249 sheets of cerulean paper because it only came in a reem but I really only needed one.
     5. A Roomba-like machine for personal grooming: You know, that automatic vacuum that travels around your house, sucking up hairballs, dust bunnies, cheerios, and single earrings that you've been missing for months until it bumps into a wall and then just gently backs up and goes another way? I'd like there to be one that will shave my legs, armpits, and, ahem, *other* areas for me. Automatically. As in, while I do nothing at all. Well, maybe I would sleep.  
     6. Some kind of alarm that discreetly alerts you when you have food in your teeth: What's not to love about that? After 2 years of braces and an undying love for broccoli, corn on the cob, and blueberries, I have only too often found myself in the bathroom mirror shaking my head and saying, "I thought they were my friends!" This is clearly too important of a job to be left to amateurs - let's cut the crap and just call in the professionals!
     7. An app for the TV that would automatically change the channel when a preview for a scary movie comes on: This would be so much easier, more efficient, and more socially appropriate than my current tactic of sticking my fingers in my ears, squeezing my eyes shut, and loudly singing "la la la la" until I dare to take a peek. For an additional fee, one could purchase a deluxe version that even changes the channel back when the preview is done.
     8. Outdoor event high heel savers: These are little clear discs that can be snapped onto the end of one's high heels so that you don't sink into the grass while attending outdoor weddings, funerals, or just taking a casual stroll across the front lawn in your favorite stilettos. Mesh half shirt, cutoff jean booty shorts, and hot pink scrunchy optional.
     9. A breast pump/pacifier device that allows you to breastfeed your baby from a distance: Essentially, it's a long hose with a pacifier at one end and a breast shield at the other. Baby sucks, milk is released and travels down the hose to baby. All is right in the world. This could come in especially handy while driving 72 mph on the interstate alone in the car and trying to comfort a screaming (and might I mention rear facing?) baby for just two more minutes until you reach the rumored-to-be-an-anonymous-gay-sex-meet-up-spot-but-who-cares-because-it's-the-best-option-available-at-the-moment-and-you're-really-desperate rest area.
     10. Body pillows that somehow support you in all the right places but don't make it seem like there are 3 people in the bed. It's a close call, but I'm not sure who I love more - my husband or my body pillow. Truth be told, the pillow is a little more agreeable and never has roaming hands, so I guess maybe my preference is becoming clear. I don't want my husband to feel ousted by an inanimate object, but I guess I can only hope that he's secure enough in our relationship and in his manhood to recognize that I've got a good thing going on here. It's not you, honey, it's me. And really - at least he's not being ousted for *other* inanimate objects, right?

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